If you've ever associated the concept of a safeword with a specific scene in Fifty Shades of Grey, it's time to broaden your perspective. Safewords aren't unique to fictional BDSM contracts—they play a vital role in real-life relationships, especially when exploring kink with a partner. Deciding when and how to use a safeword can be challenging, but don't be afraid. We've written a comprehensive guide covering everything you need to know about safewords, as well as a list of options available to you and your significant other.
What is a safe word?
Generally speaking, a safeword is a word or phrase that you and your sexual partner agree to use as a signal to stop what is going on. It is often used by people who practice BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism) because these relationships often involve power dynamics that may blur the lines of traditional consent. In other words, saying you don't like something doesn't necessarily mean you want it to stop.
While it's important to discuss what you're comfortable with before engaging in sexual activity, it's common for things to happen during sex that you may not have discussed before, so a good safeword is one that ensures you can agree or say no. No need to say "yes" or "no".
Safewords are an easy-to-remember way to let others know when you have withdrawn your consent to a certain type of sexual play.
It makes sense that the kink and BDSM communities would have some kind of language of their own, as developing niche vocabularies is common in communities, especially those that are marginalized.
The need for safe words
We all know how important consent is to ensuring safe sex. But it's also a key part of making sex enjoyable, since trust and communication often allow people to relax appropriately during the experience. This is part of the reason safewords have become so popular, not just in the BDSM community, but for anyone interested in sexual experimentation.
A safe word is a predetermined term used during sex with a partner to signal when play becomes too intense, uncomfortable, or exceeds agreed-upon boundaries. When the safe word is spoken, all sexual activity must stop immediately, and partners need to discuss the reasons behind the use of the safe word before resuming any sexual activity. Play.
The importance of a safeword lies in its role as a communication tool, especially in situations where sexual boundaries may be tested or pushed, such as BDSM play, role play, or group sex. Having a safeword helps ensure a consistent and respectful experience for all parties involved.
It is also necessary to use safe words
Even if you think traditional cues like "stop" are clear, using safe words is crucial, especially during role play. Using the word "stop" in a role-playing scenario may not express an actual desire to cease the activity. Safewords provide a direct, clear way to communicate the need to leave the scene without causing any confusion, ensuring a mutually agreeable and respectful experience.
How to choose the right safeword?
Choosing the perfect safeword starts with having an open conversation with your partner. Having a safeword that is simple and easy to remember is crucial. It can be a personal item from your relationship that holds special meaning and evokes intimate memories.
Commonly chosen safe words include traffic light colors, where green means continue, yellow means slow down and red means stop. Additionally, fruit is a surprisingly popular choice. The key is to choose a word that is easy to remember and ensures effective communication during intimate moments.
If these basic words don't appeal to you, I'd suggest just about anything will do, as long as it's completely non-sexual and isn't typically used in intimate moments. The goal is to choose a random word so that it completely interrupts the action. If you and your partner are trying to come up with a creative solution, here are some options:
Grandmother
Sock
Sweet potato
Aunt jemima
Boat
Ant
Tyrannosaurus rex
Pluto
Clown
Armadillo
Fire
Lettuce
Don’t overthink a good safe word
Safewords for sex should be words that you can easily remember and say immediately, so try not to choose a word that is too complicated, too long, or even one that you think about too much, because you might end up choosing a word. I find it difficult to recall.
Easy to say and easy to remember is always best, I've met some people who use very long safewords that feel a bit like encrypted passwords, and those words can sometimes be misunderstood or difficult to say quickly when a game scene needs to end.
A good start is to think about everyday objects, perhaps ones you can see right now, like a "book" or a "plate." It's also a good idea to choose words with only one syllable so they're easy to say quickly.
When you start to feel uncomfortable, that's the perfect time to say your chosen safe word. I recommend: Use a safe word whenever you start to feel anxious, in pain, triggered by something, or just feel too uncomfortable to continue sexual activity. You have the right to use it at any time in any sex scene without judgment or anger.