In some conservative societies and cultures, the topic of sex is still considered taboo and cannot be brought up in public, as well as the failure of sex education to be fully accessible, which can further lead to the topic of sex becoming difficult to talk about. Especially when talking about sex for the first time with a partner, it can become difficult to talk about because of the culture and education received from childhood.
If there are problems with sex in a long term relationship, it may not just be due to a mismatch of libidos, but the core issue may be a lack of communication, trust and respect. So focusing on the relationship and improving communication can be an effective way to solve some of the problems in your sex life. If there are inherent differences in sexual needs and interests, then this can make things tricky.
Is sex important in a relationship
Sex is an important part of a relationship, and having regular sex can improve bonding and affection for your partner, as well as having health benefits such as better sleep, relief from anxiety and stress, and improved mood.
However, if the interest in sex is low, then sex is not that important in the relationship and there are other ways to increase intimacy with your partner, such as holding hands, cuddling, kissing, snuggling, romantic dates and intimate communication.
If you want to change your sex life, here are a few ideas to inspire you.
1. Communication
In a long term relationship, after the honeymoon period, it's perfectly normal for there to be differences in libido levels with your partner as libido is affected by many factors such as age, stress and hormones. Sex drive fluctuates and is not always at the same level.
To communicate and understand your partner's interest in sex, you can quantify the level of interest in sex from 0-10. This can help each other to look more objectively at the differences in each other's interest in sex and find a balance that allows each other to be aware of as well as increase your libido if you feel that your current level of libido is low or problematic. It is important to note that a high libido is not a healthy state, it is a balance that is important. If you and your partner both have low libido, even if you have less sex, you are perfectly fine with it and there is no problem.
2. Value each other's feelings
Bringing up the issue of the number of times you have sex is a great way to focus on each other's sex lives and value sexual intimacy as a first step. If there is a mismatch between you and your partner in terms of sexual desire, try to introduce some empathy by switching the other person's perspective on the issue, e.g., most of the time I want to initiate sex but you turn me down, do you know what that feels like? It is important to note that this is not a way to blame or criticise your partner, but to have a better sex life with each other.
3. Redefine the meaning of sex
For many people only intercourse, or orgasm can be called sex, this is a very narrow and one-sided thinking and standards. This can increase anxiety, frustration and disappointment about the performance of sex, as well as amplify the feeling of not being able to reach orgasm during sex with each other.
Virtually any activity that makes you feel pleasure can be sexual, for example, kissing, cuddling, massaging each other, bathing together or masturbating each other. It's important to expand your definition of sex to include the experience of each other and whether or not you feel fulfilled.
4. Quality is more important than quantity
Although the frequency of sex is something we need to consider, the quality of sex is more important than the frequency. In the common perception, having an orgasm during sex is satisfying sex.
It's important to have important conversations about sex with your partner, asking each other what's most important to you during sex, what behaviours you enjoy and what you want to include in sex, talking about each other's preferences and boundaries. Talking about sex is essential and needs to be done consistently and regularly because our preferences, desires and boundaries change over time.
5. Arranging Sex
Scheduling sex is a controversial behaviour because people think it destroys spontaneity and makes sex bad. In reality, scheduling sex can bring many benefits, such as a more regular and healthy sex life, increased anticipation and tension for sex, elimination of other things interfering with sex and more time to prepare for sex. Most importantly it can ease partners with mismatched libidos and find a balance of sexual frequency that satisfies the wishes of both partners.